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The return of the
4Full hackney spec 4Driver + 7 passengers
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Mad Hatter
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The Patron Saint of Taxi drivers
L
ast month’s article elicited a far more volatile If you don’t bend the rules then you are bound the Soup’. So called for his passion for soup and
response than usual. Here is a sample of the to suffer; you are either a visionary and a in particular ‘thick pea and ham’ he suggested
letters received: progressive or a dreamer and a reactionary. The the following…Boadicea, Robin of Loxley (Robin
honourable code of Hackney Journeyman has Hood dimwit) and Dick Turpin. Believe me; his
“….flawed in argument and factually incorrect… been in existence for over 300 years and many
soup is far better than his history!
badly written, a disgrace…but what do you of us are still steeped in the codes laid down
expect from an illiterate scouser. If you ever by the Parliament of William of Orange and too
I decided to start from scratch and list the
wander north of the border you’ll get your head set in our ways to assimilate those seemingly
attributes of the old ‘cabby’ and see if anything
kicked in” unfathomable underhanded practices of the
or anyone sprang to mind.
Hamish, Greenock. present incumbents of Westminster. What an
example they set to the community?
He must be middle aged, growing rapidly
“stick to driving your cab and combing your
around the middle, losing his hair, set in his
perm, you scouse git.” But I digress; there is still the thorny problem
ways, still full of grand ideas and a bit of a
Dai, Pontypool. of selecting a person who would wish to be
dreamer.
the patron saint of taxi drivers and would he or
“As a leading campaigner in the drive to she adequately reflect the modern day cabby.
So far so good. He must work in a difficult
commemorate St. George’s Day and make He or she, I feel, must be deceased for who
it a national holiday, I found your article to
or hazardous environment, drive too fast for
would be grateful for such a dubious honour.
be childish and counter productive. I was so The nominations are endless but not so for the
his own good and like nothing more than
annoyed I fell off my bike.” private hire or minicab field.
filling himself with junk food and lounging
Boris, Inner London.
in front of the television. He doesn’t take as
Genghis Khan is ideal. Here was a marauder in
much exercise as he should and is a little
“Oi tort it wuz funny.” the best traditions of that stout body of men. Not
remiss when his long suffering wife mentions
Name and clinic withheld. content with his own back yard he sacked and
housework but he still believes he’s the head
pillaged his way across half of the known world,
of the household with complete control over his
Notwithstanding the above, the move to taking everything before him and giving nothing
kids. He is rather too quick to react but equally
celebrate St. George’s Day is gaining in return. Boundaries, rules and regulations
quick to apologise and admits quite freely
momentum. Whether or not you wish to meant nothing to him and it mattered not that he
that sometimes he speaks before his thought
commemorate your patron saint is a matter didn’t have the slightest clue as to where he was
processes have been duly exhausted.
of choice but the whole concept of ‘the patron or where he was going. He filled his train with ill-
saint’ should, I believe, be taken one step gotten gains and much booty was accumulated
He must be loveable in his own gruff fashion
further. To my knowledge there is not a patron by his part-time gang of cutthroats. If they were
with a heart of gold and eager to please. Above
saint of taxi drivers. full-time taxpaying cutthroats carrying insurance all he is a family man!
for village sacking then that’s almost excusable.
Nominations for the position are now open But let’s return to the cab trade and decide what The problem didn’t seem insurmountable but
and you may wish to advocate that person criteria should be sanctioned for selecting our still a name escaped me. In desperation I
or thing that you feel is best suited to the own patron saint. Do we opt for the traditional switched on the T.V. and scrolled through the
purpose. Irrespective of gender, race or compassionate driver or the modern day boy multitude of channels that were available.
religion all I ask is that your choice be racer whose sole aim is to fill his pockets and
Suddenly his chubby face and endearing
appropriate and one best reflecting the traits drive like the devil himself without a care for
personality jumped out of the screen and into
or characteristics of the average taxi driver. either the public or even his own colleagues? I
the room. I couldn’t believe it; my search was
Now there lies the first problem, ‘average’ have to be careful here for not all the new breed
over…joy upon joy! Over to you Mr. Returning
suggests generality which by definition means is irresponsible! For an industry to flourish it
Officer…….
indeterminate, vague or imprecise. needs regular infusions of new investment in
both machinery and quality well trained labour.
“As the Returning Officer for the Hackney
There is not one amongst our happy breed who You will have your own opinion as to whether
constituency I can confirm that the results of the
considers him or herself to be average or, god or not the cab you drive represents value for
election are as follows:-
forbid, vague. We are all individuals who act money and whether or not the standards of the
independently with a common purpose yet are new influx of drivers meet the old requirements
Boadicea (Half naked charioteer slaughtering
governed by a strict set of rules or conditions. of fitness? I have reservations on both, I have
Italians party)……. no votes
There in a nutshell is the hub of the problem; never been overly impressed with the former
FROM
Robin Hood (Gay men screwing the local sheriff
there is little room for flexibility and what latitude and the latter does no more than reflect modern
avails itself is what distinguishes one taxi driver society. I don’t know what schools they attended
party)……………….no votes
from another. He can drift aimlessly from one but it is pretty obvious that little detail was paid
Dick Turpin (Jockeys give us your bling or do ON THE
job to another, taking his turn and waiting in line to speech, dress or behaviour. Where they
you swing party)……..no votes
or he can actively place himself in the market do excel however, is in a healthy grasp of the
Homer Simpson (Totally misunderstood
ROAD
place by getting off his arse and looking for vernacular and modern day slang such as snort,
party)…………………… one vote…
work. Here he can enjoy the benefits of the spliff, ganga and charlie.
competitive market economy which invariably
I herby declare that Homer Simpson has
entails some form of gratuity for work received. Heaven help the patron saint of that lot! I’m
been duly elected as The Patron Saint of Taxi
I am, of course, referring to the ubiquitous beginning to sympathise with the old guard,
Drivers.”
£18,995
‘bung’ or ‘dropsy’ usually given to porters, too long in the tooth to change and yet still
receptionists, doormen etc. who work in hotels, persevering with the belief that their good habits
Acknowledgements this month include John the
hospitals or offices. will stand the test of time. Mistaken they may be
Soup, Mad Paul, Hamish, Dai, Boris and the
Your economical full spec hackney
but still of honest intent.
dyslexic in the clinic.
It’s not sneaky or immoral, it’s simply shrewd
and businesslike; it is a practice that is But finding a patron saint still eluded me so I If you would like the recipe for ‘thick pea and
commonplace the world over. The British asked the ‘old guard’ for help. Their enthusiasm ham soup’ then send a stamped addressed
0800 587 9613
economy can testify to that and look how underwhelmed me but I was given some envelope to:- John the Soup c/o Taxi Talk….
successful and buoyant that is! assistance from an unlikely source, one ‘John address to be found.
www.cabdirect.com
30 31
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