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3) WEDDING BUSES. The happy couple’s limousine and the long line of noisy
Vivian adopted Suffolk County as her home in 1969, and appreciates its fragile,
cars that traditionally follow the limo will be replaced by an energy efficient bus.
natural beauty. Because of this, she has introduced some of the most far reaching
Belted armchairs, reserved for the comfortable seating of the bride and her bride-
legislation aimed at protecting the sustainability of our environment and our home.
groom will be added inside the vehicle. Behind them, regular bus seats with plenty of
Vivian has a record that has made us proud. She has demonstrated her commit-
room for the two sets of parents, the maid of honor, the bridesmaids, the flower girls,
ment to the needs of her district and the county. She is an example of strength that
the best man, the ushers and the invited guests. A modified horn will allow the bus
comes from our nation of immigrants. We are all people who work hard to achieve
driver to intermittently play “Here Comes the Bride.”
the AMERICAN DREAM, are grateful for the privilege, and are eager to share that
4) FUNERAL BUSES. See “wedding buses.” No additional armchairs and no
bounty with those who have not been as fortunate or who have recently just begun
horn modification necessary.
their journey.
5) VACATION SIMULATORS. In this computerized era full of electronic mar-
The North Shoreian Magazine enthusiastically welcomes Vivian to the writing
vels, vacation simulators will save gas, time and money. The vacationers will now
staff of our magazine. Feel free to contact Vivian at Vivian.Viloria-Fisher@suffolk-
be able to choose and admire all the views they so desire, from the privacy of their
home, without fear of traffic jams, car sickness, air sickness or sea sickness. And, to
top it all, the local water is drinkable.
6) MODIFIED SPORT EVENTS. Small adjustments to the length of motorized
racing, here and abroad, will provide large energy savings. A few examples: The Conservative Conscience
Indianapolis Five and The Daytona Five in our country and, across the pond, a much
Conservative Political Commentary
more efficient “Les 24 Minutes de Le Mans” in France.
7) MOTORCADES. July 4th, St. Patrick’s Day, Porto Rican Day, Gay Pride, by Tom Adkins
Mardi Gras, Halloween, Thanksgiving, military parades etc., reserved to pedestrians,
wheel-chairs and foot-soldiers only.
8) VIDEO TELECONFERENCES. Internet colleges and Internet dating services Tending Your Political Garden
are multiplying. One can now obtain a diploma, or meet a mate, without leaving the It’s Spring! Time to clean up the yard, put away the snow shovels and prepare
bedroom. In the same vein, closed circuit television should allow participation at the for gardening! Weeding, seeding, planting…where do we start? I guess it’s always
Parent-Teacher Association meetings, Village Boards discussions and other similar smart to attack the worst part of your garden first, that area where everything’s gotten
events, from one’s kitchen. Estimated fuel savings: 42 gallons per encounter. out of control. So, let’s start in Washington.
9) MICROWAVE FIREPLACES. Such contraptions will allow the spending of First, let’s tackle that “stimulus package” that threatens to cost each American
an entire winter evening in six minutes, and save firewood or gas. family about $75,000. I wanna prune that ugly thing down to…oh, what the heck…
10) And now last, but not least, the CHANGING OF LAWN COLOR PREF- break out the Agent Orange, and kill that monster. Unless, of course, you think your
ERENCES. Due to the fact that this is our Home & Garden issue, I finally have the garden needs a $4 billion ACORN tree. We might need a gallon or two.
guts to ask the old obsessing question: who in this world decided that green is good Next? Let’s get that Tarp Fund we planted last fall. It was suppose to beautify the
and yellow is bad? The day we accept the “golden” standard for our courtyards, the banking industry corner of the yard, buying toxic assets so other plants might grow.
financial and energy savings will become impressive. Our grass will become blonde But now it just looks like a bunch of nasty weeds. See what happens if you don’t fol-
and will stop growing. No more gasoline-guzzling tractors, no more lawn mowers low planting instructions?
and no need for repeated trips to garden stores to buy expensive fertilizers. And let’s Some plants like kudzu, seem to take over entire neighborhoods, choking out
not forget: blondes have more fun! everything else. Universal health, Social Security Welfare, Medicare and Medicaid
should be ripped out by the roots. Pile them up. Burn ‘em. And toss the Federal Re-
Joseph J. Neuschatz M.D. lives in Port Jefferson and was born in Romania, hates serve on top when it gets good and hot.
writing...loves being published, retired anesthesiologist, refuses to become an Ameri- While we’re at it, let’s take a weed-wacker to all the nasty sprouts that sprang up
can Idle. Featured in the New York Times, Newsday, Vogue, The New York Doctor, in Congress. Now that I’m thinking about it, I can count three or four trillion reasons
Greenwood Press etc. and author of “terrO.R.” to take a real weed-wacker to real house members, and give them a proper trim. Or,
maybe we should just pluck them from their seats and start over
Of course, gardening is much more than killing bad plants. You also have to defend
against pests. Terrorist grubs have been known to cause serious damage. If you are a
Long Island Progressive
serious gardener, chase them and kill them wherever you find them. Then again, you
could waste enormous amounts of money defending against non-existent threats. It’s
By Vivian Viloria-Fisher, Deputy Presiding Officer
38 degrees in New York. Don’t waste your money on global warming gnats. They
Suffolk County Legislator, Fifth District don’t exist.
Some projects require serous heavy lifting. Lemme grab my chain saw. That
Obama tree has got to go. Now. It’s funny, ‘cause I told everyone it was a bad idea
The North Shoreian Magazine would like to introduce you to our newest colum-
to plant that thing. This type of arbor always looks good on the package, but as soon
nist, Vivian Viloria-Fisher. Starting in the next issue of The North Shoreian Magazine
as you plant them, they take over the entire yard, sucking all the water and nutrients,
Vivian will be writing this column, “Long Island Progressive”. For our readers who
killing all the other plants. Before you know it, you can’t grow anything else, and
have not yet had the pleasure of meeting Vivian yet we would like to share a little bit
you have to spend a fortune over your lifetime just to fix everything it destroys. Be-
about her with you.
sides…tell me one good plant that grows in Chicago?
On January 19, 1999 Vivian Viloria-Fisher, born in The Dominican Republic,
If you decide to hire someone to manage your garden, watch out for scam artists.
was elected Suffolk County Legislator representing the fifth legislative district. Dur-
Especially beware the self-proclaimed “best and brightest” Federal Gardeners, who
ing this ten year span of time, she has stood up for the most vulnerable in our county:
promise to grow your fabulous yard better than you can. Once you hire them, they
be they children, the sick, the poor or newly arrived immigrants. This attitude is
steal your prized rose bushes then pay a bunch of guys who pay a bunch of guys who
informed by her respect for the inherent worth and dignity of every person and her
pay a bunch of guys who pay a bunch of guys to sit around while a few other guys
belief that the primary mission of government is to provide for the health and safety
push some dirt around between coffee breaks. And your rose bushes always seem to
of every resident.
end up in someone else’s garden who is basically too lazy to lift his own shovel.
Because Vivian chose to be a citizen of the United States of America at the age
Then they send you the bill.
of 18, she has a profound sense of service to her country and her community. She
You’ll gaze sadly into your devastated garden, pocked with holes, and wonder
feels a personal responsibility to protect our treasures for future generations. These
what went wrong? If you ask the Fed Gardeners, they’ll blame you, and promise to
treasures include our families, our schools, our environment and our businesses. All
fix it next year, by taking money from “someone else” just as soon as you vote for
of these elements of our community need to be nourished by progressive leadership
them. Before you know it, your money is gone (and sometimes your kid’s money)
that values the contributions of the diverse constituencies that enrich our lives and
before you figure out they were complete frauds.
shape our future.
The best gardening advice is to listen to people who have proven record of suc-
Having been an immigrant and the daughter of a man who achieved fame as a
cess, and then plant your own garden. That way, you are in complete control over
musician and died suddenly at the upward trajectory of his career, Vivian understands
your yard, as well as the rest of your life.
the vulnerability of those families who unexpectedly find themselves in difficult
My advice? Rid your garden of all the dangerous insects, bugs, weeds and such,
emotional and economic circumstances. This understanding has been manifest dur-
then look for self-sufficient plants that flourish with proper care. Avoid anything that
ing her career as an educator and during the last ten years as a legislator, protecting
gets out of control quickly. And especially, don’t run up your MasterCard to pay
the rights of children to have safe child care, strong schools and affordable colleges;
for wild promises that have never worked before. It’s dirty, muddy, and sometimes
standing by immigrants targeted by negative rhetoric and sometimes physical abuse,
stinky and messy. But doing it yourself is far more rewarding and almost always way
and responding to the needs of all the poor and sick who require the help of Suffolk
more successful.
County government.
There. Now… let’s get started! The weeds are growing while you are sitting.

Improper Northshoerian April 2007 7 4/2/2009 10:17:40 AM
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