‘I WOULD ABSOLUTELY DESTROY TULISA’


naughty dream


I had a


…about that booby model Lucy Pinder last night.


Keith Lemon The Showbiz Diary Of


’Ello! How do? It’s Keith ’ere with the very first of me not-so secret diary fings. So where do I begin?


SLAP AND TICKLE WITH FEARNE


Tuesday I was in London’s Holborn Studios to do a photo shoot with Holly and misery guts – love you, Fearne! Off camera I do really get on with Fearne. All the abuse I give her on Celebrity Juice is just in jest. I told her when we started working together: ‘I don’t wanna


Messing about on Juice


get involved with people I work with.’ Of course at the Christmas party and stuff like that I’ve had a little mess about with her. Just a bit of slap and tickle, like… She’s really loved-up at the mo and seems happy. I’m chuffed for her. She


still can’t keep her eyes off me but


I wouldn’t go there – I’m no home wrecker, me.


WAGNER'S THE DADDY


We recorded a special episode of Juice with Caroline Flack, Olly Murs, Antony Cotton and Wagner. He was a legend. People ask if he’s me dad but I can’t see the resemblance.


(Aged 27½-ish)


It were good to catch up BANG TIDY RULES


I was doing book signings for me new book The Rules: 69 Ways To Be Succ-Sex-Ful. I decided to do The Rules because I’m a good looking guy and quite a hit with the ladies. All the tips you need are in the book! Met


Last weekend I was in America – or if you’re from there, ‘Americor’. It was raining in LA, which stands for Los Angeles, home of Sylvester Stallone. Met up with me little mate Verne Troyer. I know him from Celebrity Juice and also Bo! In The USA. We had a Mexican (meal, not woman). On’t Saturday we went to this right posh hotel, got shitfaced and went to Taco Bell. Slept most of the way on’t plane home, although watched a bit of Mr Popper’s Penguins. Love Jim Carrey.


some lovely people and got a lot of lovely gifts. One fella had carved me into some melons. Got a lot of potatoes, too – one of them had me face on, made out of… I dunno what. Clever, though.


AlKl t’best Keith x


Tulisa’s Fit As


On Saturday I had a night in and watched t’X Factor. I’d destroy Tulisa. She is super- FAF – fit as flip! Misha B’s gonna win. She’s proper.


eith hosts Celebrity Juice on ITV2 at 10pm on Thursdays


BEVVIES WITH LITTLE VERNE


Edited by Selina Julien


We’re the ’tache twins!


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