ASSAULT OF THE SASQUATCH Starring Kevin Shea, Sarah J. Ahearn and Greg Nutcher
Directed by Andrew Gernhard Written by John Doolan Synthetic Cinema
As the title suggests, this is not a tear-jerking portrayal of the legendary creature
nor a tension-building creeper. Indeed, it’s billed as an “assault” and that’s exactly what it is… on several levels. The premise is straightforward: a Sasquatch (a.k.a. Bigfoot) is ousted from the
woods and forced to reckon with cityfolk. The movie wastes no time in making this happen as three sweaty bear poachers discover the angry beast in one of their traps. After the ’squatch knocks off two of ’em in grisly (or perhaps grizzly) fashion, it’s sequestered in a semi- trailer by lead poacher Terry Drake (Kevin Shea), a Dukes of Hazzard Uncle Jesse-lookin’ fella who sports an eyepatch that amazingly switches to the opposite eye for one scene! After getting busted by deadpan for- est ranger Ryan Walker (Greg Nutcher) and his partner, Krystle (Cristina Santiago), the poacher and his big rig are driven to a jail in a nearby town. The beast inevitably escapes and begins a rampage aimed at feeding Drake a hairy helping of revenge. Whomever gets in the way is killed via tooth, nail, mailbox bludgeoning, street sign impaling or hydraulic lift crushing.
At face value, Assault of the Sasquatch offers quality production (eyepatch ex-
cepted), loads of gore and suitable campy horror fun. The monster is something of an oaf, but the creature FX are passable. Beyond that, it wallows in a mishmash of unrelated subplots, gratuitous scenes and ridiculous stock horror movie characters. The attempt at back story (the tragic murder of the ranger’s wife) is overwrought, and when combined with the murderous exploits of a thug who is locked up in jail, seems out of place. Comedy relief, in the form of two goofy Sasquatch hunters who catch the beast on film, then spend the rest of the movie shouting at the camera, is equally at odds with the beast’s lethal assault. Granted, making an effective movie involving Bigfoot is difficult at best, but boggy storylines and beastly buf- foonery certainly doesn’t help a lick.
THE BLOODY RAGE OF BIGFOOT
(DIRECTOR’S CUT SPECIAL EDITION) Starring Andrea Hutchison, Tina Boivin and Ron Feyereisen Written and directed by James Baack Cheezy Flicks
The Bloody Rage of Bigfoot is the work of producer/director/writer/actor James
Baack, whose previous low-budget efforts include Pus-E the Clown. Ahem... Given that fact, and that it’s a Cheezy Flicks release, I didn’t have unreasonably high ex- pectations for this homemade horror, but I did expect more return for my two-hour- and-45-minute(!) viewing investment. A lot more. The back cover claims that one will experience a “heart
stopping ride through a world where the science of cryptozo- ology careens headfirst into the ancient and forbidden arts of witchcraft.” Other than the heart-stopping part, I suppose this is essentially true, but somewhere along the way the filmmak- ers forgot to include anything that resembled Bigfoot’s bloody rage or, more importantly, a script. Rather, the movie is comprised of disjointed ad lib scenes
that interweave two stories. The first deals with two teenage witches, Satantha (Andrea Hutchinson) and Loosey-Fur (Tina Boivin), who escape from prison and seek Bigfoot’s grave in order to resurrect him so he can take over the world. (Huh?) Along the way they are commanded to do murderous acts by an evil Jawa-looking guy whom they refer to as their “master.” The second story thread is that of the extremely bitter Vernon Knutson (Ron Fey- ereisen) who wants revenge on Bigfoot for murdering his wife. The scenes – which take place in an assortment of living rooms that stand in for
a bar, newsroom and psych ward – are way too long. And as far as ol’ Bigfoot him- self, he plays only a minor role, spending much of his time trapped in a closet by the witches. Cameo appearances by Pus-E The Clown (Feyereisen again) are actually the most
entertaining segments, along with the over-the-top witchcraft elements, which in- clude a bizarre Wiccan language and lasers that shoot from the girls’ fingertips. As with other backyard Bigfoot movies (remember 2004’s Suburban Sasquatch?), ob- viously this movie is played for laughs, but even the glimmers of dark comedy can’t compensate for the overall lack of direction and absence of friggin’ Bigfoot!
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