smart television show for your young child, then Made- line’s Halloween and Other Spooky Tales is a great choice. Not too scary, not too boring. But if you are look- ing for a really bloody and ghoulish television show, don’t get your hopes up with Madeline. HANNAH GARCES-SLOANE
DREAM POLICE 911
PARASOMNIA Starring Dylan Purcell, Cherylin Wilson and Jeffrey Combs
Written and directed by William Malone E1
Overlooked, Forgotten and Dismissed Rube Blood
This issue: Lance TiTTers aT TiTLes
INBRED REDNECK VAMPIRES SRS Cinema
If you’re like me, you’re not easily dissuaded by incredibly ludicrous titles such as this one (a.k.a. Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires) and prefer reading the synopsis on the back of the box to get the lowdown. That’s where you’ll dis- cover that this movie also features strip poker, beer drinking, shower peeping, bean eating, competitive farting and so much more. Set in the hick town of Backwash – where a vampire is trying to create an army out of the local in-
breds – this is an extremely funny film that utilizes just about every derogatory Southern stereotype out there. And if that doesn’t pique your interest, it also features a standout performance by a midget named Cletus (Bill Bradford) who had me laughing until I nearly puked. BODY COUNT: 25 BEST DEATH: Head crushed by obese woman’s butt
Beds, Knobs and Broomsticks
I SPIT CHEW ON YOUR GRAVE SRS Cinema
What’s a redneck to do when confronted by a gang of hot babes intent on rap- ing and murdering his ass in the name of their mystical warlock leader, who looks like he just walked off the set of Labyrinth? That’s the question raised in this outing by writer/director Chris Seaver (Filthy McNasty), who puts an in- teresting spin on vintage exploitation with this faux-grindhouse movie, com- plete with “damaged” film stock, missing reels and a witty role-reversal
rape/revenge story. Yes, this is an ultra-low-budget affair of garbage bag sets, dollar store wigs and fake moustaches, but you’ll forget all that once the laughable violence, spurting blood, hilarious dialogue, frantic pacing and side-splitting humour combine to burn this biscuit right into your brain. BODY COUNT: 4 BEST DEATH: Double-penetrated by bullwhip
Ashes to Ashes, Husk to Husk
TERROR AT BLOOD FART LAKE SRS Cinema
Based on title alone, I rushed into my editor’s office and demanded that this film be on our next issue’s cover. After being escorted out by security, I decided that I had better watch it first. Though it begins as a typical flick about some friends who gather at a cottage only to be hunted by a demented killer, this is another Chris Seaver movie, which means hilarious diatribes and some of the corniest kill scenes ever shot, quite literally, as the culprit is a malformed
scarecrow who murders with ears of corn! The lascivious Nicola Fiore (The Chainsaw Sally Show) plays a sexy hitgirl who strips down to hunt the straw slasher, disposing of him in a way that must be seen to be believed. BODY COUNT: 7 BEST DEATH: Cornholed with a corncob
LAST CHANCE LANCE RM82 C I N E M A C A B R E William Malone’s regrettable 1999 big-budget remake
of House on Haunted Hill (cool set pieces and a good cast but ultimately a sorry-ass excuse for a 90-minute Marilyn Manson video) and FeardotCom (which I didn’t despise quite as much as everyone else seemed to) are two perfectly good reasons not to see Parasomnia. In Malone’s defense, though, his earliest credits include Scared to Death (1981) and Creature (1985), both cheesy yet infectious low-rent Alien knock-offs. Hence, I found myself rooting for him when Parasomnia, his first directorial effort since his fantastically trippy, gen- uinely frightening 2006 Mas- ters of Horror episode “The Fair-Haired Child” landed in my lap. Dylan Purcell plays Danny,
a lonely misfit art student and music nerd who falls ob- sessively in love with a beautiful girl (Cherylin Wil- son) who has spent almost her entire life asleep, under the scrutiny of researchers in a seedy mental hospital. Danny spirits her away to his apartment, unaware that she’s being psychically controlled by another mental pa- tient, telepathic serial killer Byron Volpe (Patrick Kil- patrick) who’s equal parts Hannibal Lecter and Exorcist III’s Patient X. Oh, and for extra genre credit, toss in Jef- frey Combs as the detective. Parasomnia may not pack the visceral punch or ec-
centric charm of Malone’s MoH outing; its ambitions fre- quently fall beyond the reaches of its budget (especially in scenes undermined by dreadful CGI), and it’s rife with the kind of narrative and directorial cheats that usually drive me to the brink of foot-through-screen. Nonethe- less, this enjoyably perverse riff on Sleeping Beauty showcases a highly imaginative filmmaker operating in the farthest reaches of our beloved genre, and that’s how it managed to sweep me along in spite of its many glaring flaws. While never quite stepping over the line into splatter, Parasomnia’s gore quotient is generous, and Malone indulges his obsessions with both ’60s garage pop and classical music. Perhaps he wasn’t given the chance to do what he
does best before these last two efforts, or maybe he did- n’t know where his own strengths lay. Regardless, here’s hoping Parasomnia wins him a bigger following and higher-profile projects.
JOHN W. BOWEN
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