rock
the
boat
wish you
were here
noThInG SayS “I mISSed you”
lIKe PhoToGraPhIc evIdence
By alex matthews
illustrataion:
my WIfe eNJOyS KAyAKING,
but not as much as I do. She approaches
l
the activity with moderation, whereas I’m
orenzo del Bianco
consumed by it. She’s a fair weather pad-
dler, disdaining bigger mileage days and
lumpy conditions. And so, inevitably, I
tend to do my longer, more ambitious
trips without her.
This always results in the same dynamic.
paddling trip without my sweetie. A few sweetheart in the moment. you will be
When I return from a trip, be it a weekend
simple steps can neutralize her you-never- amazed how this photographic proof
or a month, and tell her that I’ve missed
even-thought-of-me-did-you-you-cal- of your devotion and longing can offset
her greatly, she never believes me. Despite
lous-slob-my-mother-was-right-I-never- even a lengthy absence. And the invest-
my protestations, she remains certain that
should-have-married-you sentiments. ment of your time is negligible: 15 or
I had such a great time without her that I
While the following strategies do re- 20 minutes every few days is all that it
never thought of her once. Not once did
quire a small amount of effort and fore- requires. Just don’t take all the photos
I even pause to consider how incredibly
thought, the payoff is so significant that in a row. Spouses are way too smart for
lucky I was that she deigned to be with me
they must be incorporated into any trip that. Digital cameras record date and
at all. Never mind that I called or emailed
you do without your significant other. If time. Spread the evidence out over days
at every opportunity. No amount of cajol-
applied correctly, these tips will not only to prove that you were thinking of them
ing or assurance can shake her conviction
mollify your partner; they will actually early and often.
that she ceased to exist for me the second
win you brownie points. Just in case you’re thinking that this is
I walked out the door. That is, of course,
Here’s the secret: Document yourself just a cheap device to get off the hook for
until I finally returned home to find some
missing your partner. a long absence, think again. The coolest
vaguely familiar woman in my house, who
I then remembered was my wife.
In her version of events, I arrive home without a
In her version of events, I arrive home
proper greeting, ask immediately what’s for dinner
without a proper greeting, drape stinking
paddling gear throughout the house, ask
and expect sex on demand.
immediately what’s for dinner and expect
sex on demand.
The best way to accomplish this is via part of this strategy is that it works both
She knows only too well that I am a
photos. It’s easy. Build a little sign out of ways. Once you get on board, you’ll find
cad. I have committed the gravest sin of
beach debris that says “X loves y” (insert- yourself trying to come up with more and
all. I have had fun without her. Worse
ing your names where applicable) and better ideas of how to miss your partner
still, I have done it for a sustained period
take a photo of it. Write your names in and how to create memorable images that
of time. (The fact that she didn’t really
the sand (adding a heart with an arrow is you can bring back and share. Pretty soon
want to come on the trip, and wouldn’t
always good) and snap a couple of photos you’ll be thinking of them more often
have enjoyed it anyway, is immaterial.) I
of that. Take pictures of yourself miming than ever. And you really will miss them
am a selfish, thoughtless bastard. But she
a message of love to your spouse. Get your if you didn’t already.
is far too classy to come right out and say
paddling buddies to each hold up a por- I may be cheeky now and again, but
so. Instead she will give me subtle hints
tion of a sign with a message just for him I’m no cad. And I’m definitely not insin-
to remind me of my transgression in the
or her. find a heart-shaped stone, photo- cere. I love my wife and I miss her when
coming days, weeks, months and years.
graph it, and bring it back as a keepsake. I’m away. So I make the effort to let her
But now I have hit upon a simple
That’s all there is to it. Indisputable know just how much. And that’s always
and highly effective strategy for promot-
documentary evidence is the cornerstone the right thing to do. even if she doesn’t
ing domestic bliss after returning from a
to your assertion that you missed your believe me.
16 aDvENturE KaYaK | Summer/Fall 2009
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